Changing Tides

I recognize that I haven't written in a while.  Honestly, I constantly think about how writing on this will help me make sense of all of the crazy things in my head, but I never actually sit down to get them out.

At this point in time, I am wrapping up my second to last semester in college.  There are a ridiculous amount of adjectives that I could associate with that sentence, but I think "uncertain" is the best way to describe everything.  This semester, this entire year for that matter, has taught me that nothing is certain.  You can think that love will last, and then it doesn't.  You can think tomorrow will come, and it may not.   Uncertainty is the single-most horrifying yet beautiful thing.

Recognizing the roles of the people in my life, in relation to the idea of uncertainty, has been something that I have been struggling with my entire life, and am now more than ever.  Never will I understand why some people walk away; why the don't fight for love.  And for the people that love with all they have, and appreciate life and the people in it are sometimes taken from us too soon.  I feel like I sit at the beach and watch grains of sand slip through my fingertips.  I know I am not left with nothing.  There are the few, and precious shells that rest on the palms of my hands and radiate beauty into my soul.  They are the reason that I am here and the reason that I thrive.

With the holidays coming up, I think it is important to make sure that those who are closest to us, know that they are loved and respected.  Everything is uncertain, but that is part of this insane whirlwind, also known as life.  To all of my shells, thank you for your guidance and inspiring beauty.

Learning to Be

So I write this new post after a reminder from my mother, my biggest fan, that I had actually created this blog.  After the past two months, a lot of things have become easy to forget, because I am constantly making an effort to hold on to other memories that I know I will not have the chance to make again.

So, going off of my last post, I went to see DCFC with my friends Hillary, Lauren, and Caitlyn.  It was such a beautiful day, and upon meeting my friends in Penn Station, you knew it was one of those days when we all woke up in the morning to plan our concert outfits.  We took some time to catch up, to make plans, and to laugh.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, and together we were able to watch the sun set over the NYC skyline while listening to a common favorite musical group that we had been waiting for a long time to watch perform.  I parted ways with Lauren and Caitlyn on the subway with a quick hug, and an "I'll call you, love you" before the train started to move again.  Hillary and I got off at Penn Station with me and we parted ways so she could get to NJ, and me to LI.  I got on the train alone to Long Island with a smile on my face, but what I didn't know was that was the last time that I would ever be with Caitlyn again.

A little over a week later, I found out everything that happened while out doing some shopping.  I'll never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or how I felt at that moment.  There were a million things that were trying to come out at once; a truly foreign feeling.  I have never known this kind of loss.  Caitlyn innocently died, without choice, without knowledge, without a chance to say goodbye.  She died without being able to do so many things, and I am constantly perplexed by the fact that she is no longer here and how she'll never be able to do all of the things she once planned to do.

There is no real optimistic outcome of this situation, but what I have been able to deduct, is that my beautiful friend was what a person should be.  She was so selfless, so funny, so happy, so caring, so loving, so enjoyable, so so incredibly beautiful inside and out; a true person.  Caitlyn never lived with a chip on her shoulder or anger in her heart, and that I have realized, is something that people aspire to do at some point in their lives and never get the chance to have.  She had a free heart that wouldn't stop loving.  I look at my 85 year old grandmother who is somewhere alone right now because she rejected love, refused to give it, was angry, and cold-hearted.  Although her life is long, it is not full whatsoever.  I can say myself that I would rather live everyday like Caitlyn, even if my time to go was tomorrow and not 70 years from now.  And that itself is beautiful.

So now, we live for her and we carry her in our hearts.  I am forever indebted to my beautiful friend for giving me so many lessons and so much love in the short time that we had together.  Caitlyn, I will love you forever.

Love,
Amanda

I'm baaack!

So, I have decided to start blogging on a regular basis.  I have just returned from a 5 month stay in France, where I frequently blogged about my experiences (good and bad), and have decided that I actually like doing this.  I used to think that these kinds of things were silly and pointless, and that if someone needed to resort to an internet tool such as this, then their problems were quite large.  After being proven wrong and converted into a blog-believer, I must say that this is quite therapeutic.  I have decided to write about anything and everything that I want to, because I can.

So today, I leave you with some music.  I am going to see Death Cab for Cutie with 3 of my sorority sisters and have been brushing up on my DCFC.  One song I really adore is "I'll Follow You Into the Dark".  It has such a strong and heartfelt message and forces me to think about the idea of eternity and how much you value your own life as well as those of your loved ones.  Listen for yourself!

xo-A