Learning to Be

So I write this new post after a reminder from my mother, my biggest fan, that I had actually created this blog.  After the past two months, a lot of things have become easy to forget, because I am constantly making an effort to hold on to other memories that I know I will not have the chance to make again.

So, going off of my last post, I went to see DCFC with my friends Hillary, Lauren, and Caitlyn.  It was such a beautiful day, and upon meeting my friends in Penn Station, you knew it was one of those days when we all woke up in the morning to plan our concert outfits.  We took some time to catch up, to make plans, and to laugh.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, and together we were able to watch the sun set over the NYC skyline while listening to a common favorite musical group that we had been waiting for a long time to watch perform.  I parted ways with Lauren and Caitlyn on the subway with a quick hug, and an "I'll call you, love you" before the train started to move again.  Hillary and I got off at Penn Station with me and we parted ways so she could get to NJ, and me to LI.  I got on the train alone to Long Island with a smile on my face, but what I didn't know was that was the last time that I would ever be with Caitlyn again.

A little over a week later, I found out everything that happened while out doing some shopping.  I'll never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or how I felt at that moment.  There were a million things that were trying to come out at once; a truly foreign feeling.  I have never known this kind of loss.  Caitlyn innocently died, without choice, without knowledge, without a chance to say goodbye.  She died without being able to do so many things, and I am constantly perplexed by the fact that she is no longer here and how she'll never be able to do all of the things she once planned to do.

There is no real optimistic outcome of this situation, but what I have been able to deduct, is that my beautiful friend was what a person should be.  She was so selfless, so funny, so happy, so caring, so loving, so enjoyable, so so incredibly beautiful inside and out; a true person.  Caitlyn never lived with a chip on her shoulder or anger in her heart, and that I have realized, is something that people aspire to do at some point in their lives and never get the chance to have.  She had a free heart that wouldn't stop loving.  I look at my 85 year old grandmother who is somewhere alone right now because she rejected love, refused to give it, was angry, and cold-hearted.  Although her life is long, it is not full whatsoever.  I can say myself that I would rather live everyday like Caitlyn, even if my time to go was tomorrow and not 70 years from now.  And that itself is beautiful.

So now, we live for her and we carry her in our hearts.  I am forever indebted to my beautiful friend for giving me so many lessons and so much love in the short time that we had together.  Caitlyn, I will love you forever.

Love,
Amanda